Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
