We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
