her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Everything about him screamed your future.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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