Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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