His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
