His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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