Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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