If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
