Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
