I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
