the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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