I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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