I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
