My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
