Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
