I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
