Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
