the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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