so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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