fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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