I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
