there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
