We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
