woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
