my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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