I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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