Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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