omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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