She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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