Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
