you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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