The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
