Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
