Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
