I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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