My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
