dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Randomize
