Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
