i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
