matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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