This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
