Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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