I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We need to rekindle our bromance
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
