In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
