I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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