I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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