i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
