Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
