My balls are so social today.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I supernannyed him into submission
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
