I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
