You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
